Rallying the Knickerbockers: How to make a relationship a happy time-share

In relationships, one partner can be busier than the other. Let’s say, for example, that Partner A has decided to take the hardest major at Columbia, is on a varsity sports team, and participates in student council and other various clubs on campus. That leaves a narrow window for Partner B—who has chosen a relatively manageable major and is involved with the arts scene and community service—of approximately nine hours, only one of those being conscious. That blows.

Time management at Columbia is already hard balancing between friends, schoolwork, a relationship, and “me” time. Never mind the added element of having a partner that acts like he or she is running for chief of state and/or greatest doctor of all time.

Though a good bout of make-up sex can fix about anything, I’ve put together a list of tips for the A and B in all of us, just so we can get over the whole “you never have time for me” issue. I’m over it. Let’s make sure that you are too.

Partner A: Yo, congrats. You’re a baller. But remember that boyfriend you had? Oh yeah, you still see him occasionally? Great. Wait, on Skype? Don’t you live, like, in Broadway, and he’s in Hogan? Awks.

Friends and a boyfriend are not a given, so don’t expect them always to be around if you don’t pay attention to them. Think of them like plants—if you don’t water them, they’re going to wither and die (dramatic, but the metaphor works). Trust me, I know. Last year, I single-handedly killed a bonsai tree. It took months for the thing to die, but I sure did it. So, before your girlfriend or boyfriend withers and dies (i.e., breaks up with your ass so you can snuggle closer to your quantum physics book), here’s what to do:

1) Spending time apart because of a busy schedule can lead to some, let’s say, uncomfortable accusations. Are you cheating on me? Are you really not free all day? I don’t believe you. Etcetera, etcetera. Just cut the crap and give each other your schedule. It’s a small thing, and makes B feel better because he or she has become more of a part of your life. Now, don’t be thinking that it’s a bit stalker-esque or anything—it’s not like B (hopefully) will follow you around to your classes. Your commitments just become that more real when he or she sees them in an Excel spreadsheet or Google Calendar. And, this way, you won’t have to keep rejecting poor B for trying to hang out with you when you’re busy.

2) Kill two birds with one stone. You like to do homework? You have to? Well, most likely B has to get something done, too. Solution: Do it together. This allows you to pencil in a couple more hours with B, and maybe a bit of a, er, more interesting study break.

3) Keep your partner in the loop. So you just got into the top law schools in the country? Don’t let B hear it from someone else, and don’t just drop it in passing. B is excited for you, maybe even more excited than you are (or seem to be). B wants to be involved and celebrate your success with you, and by keeping big things like that on the DL, you alienate him or her.

4) Most importantly, take time to ask B about his or her life and respect it. Yes, you are successful, but that does not, in any way, mean that you should present yourself as “I’m kinda a big deal.” You’re not Ron Burgundy. And that kind of superiority struggle just kills the plant, if you know what I mean.

Partner B: Yo, congrats. You’ve been doing well in all of your classes, not spending all of your time chained to Butler Library, and, aside from some extra time devoted to the Photography Society and ESL tutoring, you’ve managed to set aside substantial parts of your day and week for your friends and A. Been reaching out to him or her? Always the one that texts first? Awkward.

You’ve got your life together and have set aside some time to live outside of your books. But you’ve found a block when it comes to your significant other and don’t know how to say, “I want to—need to—see you more,” without sounding like a whiny bitch. So here goes:

1) Welcome to the jungle. You knew what you were getting into. Don’t expect A to give up some of his or her passions or expect that he or she will magically have more time to spend with you because you’re now in a relationship. It just doesn’t work that way. Understand that he or she has a lot of commitments, but that A does care about you because, well, you two are in a relationship.

2) Don’t be passive aggressive. Something bothering you? A’s rain-checked your dinner date about five times now? Don’t get pissy about it, just tell A what’s up and why you’re upset. It’s much easier that way and saves some time for other, more noteworthy things—like, say, a civil conversation.

3) Give A some space. Don’t be all up in their shit all the time. It can be annoying, and you don’t want to be a Stage 5 Clinger. Everyone has their own life to live and so do you. Your schedule and your time are just as important as Partner A’s.

4) Chill. You’re in college now, consider it the minor leagues. This is prep for your future relationships when, yes, you’re in “the real world.” So let’s get them training wheels all oiled and such now. This is a learning experience, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

—Elle Roche is a Columbia College sophomore who intends to major in English and Comparative Literature. Rallying the Knickerboxers runs alternate Fridays.